American Warriors – feature length comedy – Passed along to more friends, awaiting responses.

Football Regret movie – feature length dramedy – met with our “manager”.  She had a lot of great notes.  Jason and I discussed them and are going back to revise the treatment for the 4th or 5th time.  But luckily, it’s nothing DRASTIC like last time.

Hometown script – feature length drama/coming of age – No Progress.

Webshow – comedy- No Progress.

Monologue – No Progress.

Blog – ashamed having not posted in a week…

Videos – Nearly finished short script.

That’s all I have for you.  Hit me up if you have any questions. colin@colinwhitman.com

I’m Sorry.

But the good news is that I’ve been brainstorming a little, and I think I have a few pieces coming up that could pretty awesome.  *Could be*

Thanks for hanging in there.

some spoilers!

Written and directed by Greg Mottola (director of Superbad), Adventureland is a coming of age story about a boy who can’t afford to chase his dreams.  He must work a summer job in order afford grad school the following year, but the only work he finds is from the local amusement park Adventureland.

We’ve all been there; no one wants to hire you right out of college.  Most of us have to intern to even have a shot at a job later.  And we’ve all had those shitty summer jobs where you couldn’t care less about the work.  All you care about that paycheck on Friday and the bonfire party later.  That’s the spirit that Adventureland was trying to capture.  I love quirky coming of age stories, but unfortunately Adventureland didn’t hit for me.

Firstly, if you’re expecting huge laughs, look somewhere else.  It plays more like a drama with some quirky humor sprinkled in.  It is NOTHING like Superbad in the comedy department.  But I thought that Mottola did a great job of small character moments with holding on exchanged looks between characters without them having to say anything.  Those exchanges really drew me into his story, but ultimately, the story itself is the major flaw.

A huge element of coming of age is that leap into the next phase of life or great change or great lesson.  I don’t feel like a lesson was learned due to a lack of thematic clarity: an inconsistent protagonist, too many underdeveloped sub-stories, and moral ambiguity of the main characters.

James, our protagonist, is supposed to go through a great arc but doesn’t.   I’m going to go out on a limb and blame it on an inconsistent performance (either from the actor or from the writer/director).  He starts as a nervous romantic, a little shy.  But by the end of the first few days of working at the theme park, he’s one of the gang (as cool or cooler than everyone else).  The shift is so quick that there really isn’t anywhere else to go.  There’s no major change left for him; he’s already out of his shell.  Two thirds of the movie is the new cool James, so his ‘coming of age’ doesn’t ring true for the audience.  I think the Mottola was trying to say that the “lesson” was learning to rely on himself or accept responsibility for things.  Maybe the lesson was about learning the value of chasing true love.  I’m not entirely sure what the point was because of too many underdeveloped plot lines muddled the main story.

One of these many mini plotlines contains a moment where James’ friend literally freaks out and storms off, “You get all the girls!”  It’s a wtf moment.  The friend’s motivation was not clearly set up or hinted at because of everything else that was going on in the story.  This happened a couple of times which made me feel like I was drowning in sublte subplots.  Also, the main love story is a large driving force for the film, but confusing.  The audience is never really sure how James and the girl feel about each other because of the many other storylines going on around them and each of their own spidering webs of other sexual interests and morally ambiguous choices.

James is “recovering from having his heart broken” by a girl he dated for one week.  He proclaims that he’s still in love yet pursues the lead female, who has her own romantic tangleweb.  To which, James creates his own romantic web of miscues.  Then both webs are destroyed and I sat there thinking, “I’m not really sure I like either one of them.”  I understand their choices and decisions.  I was young and still am, but I can’t relate to how ‘deep’ their love is.  It’s just not set up; it’s just not clear on the screen.  I don’t buy it.

Overall, Adventureland is darker than the care-free movie you thought you were going to see.  And major faux pas from a history nerd, Ryan Reynolds’ character dressed like he was from the 2000s not the 80s. Damn you anachronisms.

Recommendation: Only see Adventureland if you have a big interest in coming of age films.

My stat counter gives me an interesting analysis of how people find my blog.  Some know me personally, some found the link on Facebook, and some even find me doing a Google search.

The Google searches are the most interesting, because I can actually see what keywords you use to find me.  “Colin Whitman” is an obvious choice.  But oddly enough, I get a lot of traffic from “dunk ems”, as in my post about why I hate dunk ems.  The most shocking keywords used, however, were:

“channing tatum schlong”

Initially, I was just shocked that someone was searching for “channing tatum schlong” in the first place.  If you were really after some Tatum schlong, wouldn’t you use a different search word?  “Dick” maybe?  Or perhaps “Channing Tatum naked”?  The search itself just doesn’t make sense.

Being the curious feller I am, I did my own search to find out why someone would click on my blog from those keywords.  I’m ashamed to admit it, but I now have a Google search for “channing tatum schlong” in my browser history.  After a quick review, I am pleased to announce:

We’re #6!!!!  Go us!  We are the 6th most clicked link on Google if you search for “channing tatum schlong”.  Being in the top 10 of anything on Google is impressive, and I’m pleased with the initial results.  In the world of “channing tatum schlong”, we’re number six!  But ultimately, I won’t be content for long; I think we can crack the top five, maybe even the top slot.

If we’re serious about taking first place, we have a long road ahead.  We’re competing with fierce sites advertising “Jazbox sucks big donkey schlong” or “looks like he’s packing a big thick black schlong” or “he’s squeezing his giant schlong?” or “how deep does he take schlong?”.  Those are all tough to beat.  I mean, look at the variety of schlong references; donkey schlongs, black schlongs, giant schlongs, deep schlongs.  They’re so gritty and primal.  We’ll have a hard time competing, especially with my vanilla entry boasting that “I don’t need to justify my schlong size”.  I’m like a child in this schlong battle, completely underequipped.

But, I firmly believe that if we pool our resources and each do a Google search for “channing tatum schlong” and click on my link, we might make some small difference in the world.  Some miniscule difference that could change the wave of internet schlong searches.  We might move this blog up to the place it deserves.  What do you say team?! Viva la Schlong-volution!!!

A message to the mystery searcher: There is still one thing that confuses me: why would anyone click my blog out of those results?  Ultimately, I guess it doesn’t matter, but to whatever hornball did: I appreciate the visit.  It saddens me because I don’t think you got what you were looking for last time.  And I want to fix that for you if you visit again.

I don’t have any photos of “channing tatum schlong” for you, but I can draw you one.  Please enjoy, pervert.

I take great pride in the creation of my Ikea furniture.  Building furniture is like a primal urge in man. It’s the 4th most important necessity in life right behind Water, Food, and Banging.

For those not in the know, Ikea is store with apparently Swedish origins that specializes in inexpensive and uniquely designed furniture.  The catch is that you have to assemble everything yourself.

Some may scoff, but I don’t see the problem with Ikea furniture.  You may call it cheap, but I prefer its handmade charm.  You can take your bourgeois Ashley Furniture and shove it up your middle class ass, ass.  That’s what I say.  (That’s not really what I say, but I thought it sounded appropriate)

For everything Ikea does right (offering lots of furniture at low prices and allowing you to build it yourself) it does a lot wrong.  Firstly, everything’s in Swenglish.  An incomprehensible mix of Swedish and English complete with mispellings, umlauts, lines over and through letters and whatever else doesn’t make sense.

Secondly, Ikea is a warehouse- a large, heavily designed warehouse.  It’s not really like a normal store when you can wander around whenever.  Because you will get lost and you will die.  It’s kind of a point to point store.  You walk in and you don’t walk out until you find the one exit, like a museum tour.  I shit you not, they paint a line on the floor from the start of the store to the finish, so that you don’t get lost.   It will also take you three days to even walk through it entirely.  In case you use all your rations for your hike through Ikea, they also have a food court.  I’ve never actually seen it, but I’ve seen the signs.  For fear of dying, I’ve never ventured beyond the guideline.

Provided you’re alive long enough to experience it, there are thousands of options and combinations of furniture and decorations available for you to fully customize your abode.  I don’t know how they do in Sweden-land, but in America, we don’t want thousands of options.  We want a limited number of options (a few preset arrangements) with a huge supply, so that everyone can get the same thing.  This option thing is panic inducing.

So, provided you survive your trek into and out of Ikea, you can now begin the real work: lugging your selected furniture back to your house and then assembling it.

Every piece of furniture is designed to be assembled with nothing more than a hammer, screwdriver, and the contained pieces and pegs.  And inevitably, you begin deciphering the instructions and building the furniture before you actually check to make sure that necessary pieces were included.

By the time you realize your faux pas, you’re a few hours into your project and really wishing that you stopped at the food court earlier.  You begin to count out the remaining pieces the instructions call for.  Then you count the remaining pieces you have.  Something’s not right with this picture.  Your worst fears are coming true.  The last piece, the critical juncture piece is missing.  Now you’re stuck with this half made POS that you can’t use, and if you want to return it, you’ll have to disemble it and lug its heavy ass back to Ikea.

Without fail, the last piece is right beside you, making you look like an idiot.  Finally, you have finished your Ikea ordeal and are now the proud owner of a cheap, handmade coffee table.  You can tell all your friends to “Go shove that up your middle class ass.”

I don’t know about anyone else, but when I finish a piece of furniture, I get the biggest sense of accomplishment.  With that, my manliness soars to new levels.  Levels I never thought my manliness could go.  I am builder; I am provider; I am man.  Behold!  A friggin’ coffee table!  Bow to me!

You have furniture, now all you want to do is knock out the first three life necessities.

Time to go bang something.

I just watched Sunshine Cleaning, and in the briefest of reviews, I must say it was a fantastic film.  In a financial crisis where many families are watching their lives fall apart around them, Sunshine Cleaning tells a story of a family picking up the pieces both figuratively and literally. 

Two sisters with sinking lives attempt to get out of debt and make a living in a desperate way: starting a family owned crime scene cleanup business.

I don’t think the subject matter (pertaining to death and broken lives) or the trailer do the film enough justice to draw in mass audiences, but I assure you that it won’t leave you feeling depressed or empty or “jaded” by Hollywood’s notoriously perfect happy endings.  The film is a smart mix of its variety of themes.

The cast was fantastic from Amy Adams to Emily Blunt to Alan Arkin to the boy (Jason Spevack).  Every character was portrayed in a very real and relatable way.  We catch a glimpse of a family, trying desperately to make right everything wrong in their lives, but always running into a huge roadblock in one way or another.  Who can’t relate to that?

The film in many ways is about picking up the pieces and letting go.  As the sisters pick up the lives and crime scenes they enter, they learn to clean up their own lives and really ‘go after’ what they want in life despite being horribly under-qualified.  But they don’t back down, and they pursue their goals regardless, while working through their own unresolved emotional issues.

The pacing and narrative flow is stellar, leading the audience in and out of scenes following a clear narrative line.  Normally, I find many independent films suffocatingly nuanced and subtle.  But I thought that Sunshine Cleaning was an excellent blend of both independent and mainstream sensibilities (clearly plotting the story, but never holding the viewer’s hand).  That quality alone is reason enough for 4 out of 5 stars.

I don’t want to share much more, because I want you to have a great viewing experience.

Recommendation: Go watch it right now!

Let’s take a look at the magic of Soulja Boy.

Crank Dat

This little gem was a break out hit of 2007.  It caught fire, just after I graduated from college.  It came complete with its own dance, as seen above.  I consider it more or less the ghetto-macarena.  It’s like hip hop fans were like, “Fuckin seriously? The macarena?? Latin people, we had the dancing first.  Doesn’t anyone remember the Humpty Dance or the Hammer Slide??  The Twist?? You don’t remember that??  Eff this noize, we need to rep our streets again.”  (I don’t actually think hip hop fans say “eff” though)

But in addition to the dance that makes you as cool as everyone doing the dance with you, the lyrics might cause you to burst your anus from shitting awesome.  Upon my first 20 listens, I could only make out: “watch me crank dat Soulja Boy”; “supersoak dat ho”; “yooouuuuu”; and “superman dat ho”.  And to be honest, another 20 listens gave me the same results.  I read the lyrics, and I can say that you’re not missing much, only a lifetime of experiences in which we can learn lessons.

For starters, I gather that this Soulja Boy is a very self-confident fellow telling us to ‘crank’ his dance that he named after himself.  You may call it self promotion, but I call that a part of his mystique.  Need I remind you his worthy addition to modern slang:

Supermanning a ho – noun – an event where, the morning after a session of lovemaking in which the male ejaculates all over a young lady’s back and then gently applies the bedsheet to said ejaculate, the young lady awakens and finds the sheets stuck to her back like Superman. (see also: alone and questioning tastes in men)

Not only does Soulja discuss a wide variety of emotional and intellectual topics like forcing you to do his dance or a social commentary on turning normal women into superheroes, he can tackle lighter fare in life.  Like Super Soakers! I loved playing super soakers as a kid.  My brother and I used to super soak each other all the time in the summer months, but we’d always wear out our arms from pumping all the time, trying to shoot it 50ft.

(Edited: Unfortunately, after speaking with a few black friends of mine, I have realized that Soulja Boy was not talking about the awesome water guns at all.  Nor was it appropriate for me to mention super soaking my brother “all the time”.  Because when you “super soak” someone, you’re not shooting water out of a gun… you’re… you… it’s… …  semen.  You’re shooting semen out of your penis.  Sorry I ruined the surprise.)

All in all, Crank Dat is a worthy addition to American culture.  Now lets look at his latest jam.

Kiss Me Thru the Phone

Well, if this isn’t the biggest piece of monogamous shit, ever.  “Baby, I want to be with but I can’t so lets kiss through the phone.”  Nom nom nom.  What is this Romeo and Juliet bull crap??  LAME!

This is like the 14 year old’s anthem for extreme abstinence.  Suburban parents warning their children about unprotected kissing and hand-holding.  “Cindy, if you do decide to K-I-S-S, please use protection.  Here’s some Burt’s Beeswax lip balm, it worked wonders for your father and I.”

Where’s the grit?  Where’s the violence?  Where’s the unwanted pregnancies with random sexual partners that leads to broken homes?  Where’s America?  We need to spice this track up!

Phone Sex.  Perfect!

Unfortunately, a few of you chose to vote poorly.  Aside from Jason voting for himself, actually only two of you chose poorly.  Meredith, I’m still hurt.  After you showing me how to Twitter, you just go and stab me in the back.  I’m sure I helped you with homework at some point in life; you owe me.  That debt has tripled now due to your indiscretion.

Unfortunately penalties must handed out for terrible life choices these few made (obviously which blog to support ranks highly in the important life choices category, duh).  If you see any of these people, do me a favor: give them a good punch to the dick commemorating Dick Punch ’08 and their poor voting decisions.

American Warriors – feature length comedy – No news.

Football Regret movie – feature length dramedy – Jason and I are nearly finished with the 10 version of the treatment.

Hometown script – feature length drama/coming of age – I finished the 2nd Act of the treatment, more progress soon.

Webshow – comedy- no progress.

Monologue – No progress.

Blog – The votes don’t lie.

Videos – Currently penning a short sketch video, hope to produce it in a few weeks.

That’s all I have for you.  Hit me up if you have any questions. colin@colinwhitman.com