Kiss Me Thru The Phone

From the artist that told you to “Superman dat Ho” comes a sweeter more monogamous single “Kiss Me Thru The Phone”.  I’m an avid fan of hip hop, a hip hop head if you will.  I thought for the longest time that the rhythym gods had forsaken us, but behold!  Soulja Boy brings his lyrical stylings for the whole family to enjoy.

Let’s take a look at the magic of Soulja Boy.

Crank Dat

This little gem was a break out hit of 2007.  It caught fire, just after I graduated from college.  It came complete with its own dance, as seen above.  I consider it more or less the ghetto-macarena.  It’s like hip hop fans were like, “Fuckin seriously? The macarena?? Latin people, we had the dancing first.  Doesn’t anyone remember the Humpty Dance or the Hammer Slide??  The Twist?? You don’t remember that??  Eff this noize, we need to rep our streets again.”  (I don’t actually think hip hop fans say “eff” though)

But in addition to the dance that makes you as cool as everyone doing the dance with you, the lyrics might cause you to burst your anus from shitting awesome.  Upon my first 20 listens, I could only make out: “watch me crank dat Soulja Boy”; “supersoak dat ho”; “yooouuuuu”; and “superman dat ho”.  And to be honest, another 20 listens gave me the same results.  I read the lyrics, and I can say that you’re not missing much, only a lifetime of experiences in which we can learn lessons.

For starters, I gather that this Soulja Boy is a very self-confident fellow telling us to ‘crank’ his dance that he named after himself.  You may call it self promotion, but I call that a part of his mystique.  Need I remind you his worthy addition to modern slang:

Supermanning a ho – noun – an event where, the morning after a session of lovemaking in which the male ejaculates all over a young lady’s back and then gently applies the bedsheet to said ejaculate, the young lady awakens and finds the sheets stuck to her back like Superman. (see also: alone and questioning tastes in men)

Not only does Soulja discuss a wide variety of emotional and intellectual topics like forcing you to do his dance or a social commentary on turning normal women into superheroes, he can tackle lighter fare in life.  Like Super Soakers! I loved playing super soakers as a kid.  My brother and I used to super soak each other all the time in the summer months, but we’d always wear out our arms from pumping all the time, trying to shoot it 50ft.

(Edited: Unfortunately, after speaking with a few black friends of mine, I have realized that Soulja Boy was not talking about the awesome water guns at all.  Nor was it appropriate for me to mention super soaking my brother “all the time”.  Because when you “super soak” someone, you’re not shooting water out of a gun… you’re… you… it’s… …  semen.  You’re shooting semen out of your penis.  Sorry I ruined the surprise.)

All in all, Crank Dat is a worthy addition to American culture.  Now lets look at his latest jam.

Kiss Me Thru the Phone

Well, if this isn’t the biggest piece of monogamous shit, ever.  “Baby, I want to be with but I can’t so lets kiss through the phone.”  Nom nom nom.  What is this Romeo and Juliet bull crap??  LAME!

This is like the 14 year old’s anthem for extreme abstinence.  Suburban parents warning their children about unprotected kissing and hand-holding.  “Cindy, if you do decide to K-I-S-S, please use protection.  Here’s some Burt’s Beeswax lip balm, it worked wonders for your father and I.”

Where’s the grit?  Where’s the violence?  Where’s the unwanted pregnancies with random sexual partners that leads to broken homes?  Where’s America?  We need to spice this track up!

Phone Sex.  Perfect!